May. 23rd, 2016 12:29 pm
reikokagami: (Default)
[personal profile] reikokagami

Ok, I think this is it! I myself feel i have reached my limit.
Well to begin with, I am having a cold, not sure if i have reached the fever limit yet. I have not consulted my family with anything and to my parents I seem like "too much sleeping" or "too lazy" or "never studying and only with japanese stuff". Well in a way they might be right, I dont blame them since I am in my bed all day, and they usually see me sleeping which is around 6-8 pm because thats when all the energy is drained from my body and i feel tired. But with this behavior, I annoy my parents and bring a bad impression of myself upon them, which is not at all false. But somehow it feels like, we are not a family. Its like we are just people living in the same house. Right now, no one is trying to understand each other anymore. I am having exams right now, and yes I do study in my own way, however my parents dont see that. They only see me lazing around.
Lately I have been getting Migraines too and also insomnia. Its really hard for me to sleep and my health is getting worse. I have been extremely emotional these days. I feel lonely quite often and when a friend ends up replying to my message I feel extremely sorry for them. I end up crying, as i feel that they have forced themselves to message me. Well I also cry due to happiness as they do reply at the very least. I also feel extremely sorry for being rude and saying weird things to them, and i wouldnt be surprised if they decide to ignore me. I am very concious as to the type of person I am, and even if I try changing myself to match the other person, I eventually return to being myself and make the other person pull away from me. Well apparently stress have taken over me and I have been trying hard to act myself at home. Like the Aiyesha my family knows, the cheerful noisy one who blabbers nonsense alot. I have been acting cheerful to my parents and tried behaving like myself, when last night, my father lectured me saying, what would people think if they here my nonsense and all. I am not a five year old. If I was five, maybe people would find it cute but I am not and I will just end up embarrasing them, and yes I am aware of that very well. But I have been trying hard to remain happy and this is the most I can do to keep me cheerful. To be honest, I thought, just maybe my mother would understand how I feel, even a little bit. But just a little while ago, I went to my mother to talk to her as i was feeling very congested and I ended up blabbering some nonsense, when she said it. She was like, I wont tolerate you speaking non-sense anymore. I want you to be proper. And things of that sort. In the end, she just wants herself to look proper in front of my father. She wants to show him she brought me up to be a proper girl. If not she would be replaced by someone else. Unfortunately i am not an obedient person. I am at my limit now. I dont really think i could turn out properly anymore. I have been picking fights alot and the only thing that brings me to peace is cats and butai or johnnys. I think i will fully refrain from talking to a friend or teacher or a family member. The only way I can be a proper person now, is remaining quiet and not telling anyone how I feel, pretending to be obedient. Maybe I should have done that from the beginning.
I will stop getting into a friendly conversation with my family from now on! This is it! This is my limit (╥_╥)
To those who took the time to read this, Thank you! I am sorry to spoil your day, by reading my depressing posts.
To all my friends out there! Thank you very much for being my friend! ۶⁼³₌₃(づ-̩̩̩-̩̩̩_-̩̩̩-̩̩̩)づ
I will be going now! Bye!

Date: 2016-05-23 05:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eurovisionstorm.livejournal.com
Bye! I will miss you so much TT.TT
Don't you ever forget me! I am your Juntoshi shipper pal :)

Date: 2016-05-23 05:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] reikokagami.livejournal.com
Thank you for always replying to me! You might not know this, but I am really happy <3

Date: 2016-05-23 10:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eurovisionstorm.livejournal.com
Your welcome! I'm happy to be your friend!

Date: 2016-05-23 02:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] reikokagami.livejournal.com
Thank you !!! Really thank you very much!

Date: 2016-05-24 03:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eurovisionstorm.livejournal.com
Your welcome ;)
Go and see my reply on the other post!

Date: 2016-05-23 12:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sayukino11.livejournal.com
I can somehow relate you to myself. I am also in your position.
Everyone always think that I have a lot of spare time since I am always browsing in the internet but in reality I am searching for a job.
My friends diverts to another topic when I share this.
My Father is pressuring me alot to work since he doesn't have a job anymore and what's worst is that he came talking to me about finding a job this instant though I've just graduated before the day he talked to me.But on that time, I am still on my On-the-job training although Ive graduated. How am I suppose to find a job that instant. He also kept on comparing me with my 2 sisters who abandoned their studies and eloped and I should be like the eldest sister who is successful.
My mom keeps on asking me money though I don't have any salary and she doesn't have a job also and she is not with us(family)
My sisters have a problem with my addiction with Japanese culture. They say I should grow up and move on with it.
How can they say that ? They were not there in the first place when I am depresse, stressed, lonely and on the state where. I want to commit suicide with their pressure. J artist are the ones who saved me from being alone

Sorry I also ranted on this ...

Date: 2016-05-23 02:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] reikokagami.livejournal.com
Thank you for telling me! I understand what you feel.
In my whole life I have been compared with everyone. Back in my country my parents would compare me to my cousin who would always get a*s unlike me who get average points. Then when we moved here, I once invited my friend to my house, and she got all the good grades so he compared us. And a few years later I went out with my senpai who is like me and get average points and my friend with the good grades. at that time my father recieved a call from my aunt and it was video call so he show me and my senpai and said we were dull girls and showed to my friend and said she was smart girl. He thought of it as a joke but it had totally affected me back then, and my whole day was ruined.
This morning, I was depressed and decided to watch butai, and when I was watching I cried and laughed and cheered and properly showed my emotions, yet my mom walked in and told me that , am i imagining them saying that to me. And that they would never even know I exist and how much of a waste of time they are. She used the word "Perasan" its a word in malay meaning like I feel that its happening to me even though its not or something like that. She also said they wont help me in life, but the thing is that now since I dont have a cat anymore, I dont have anything to leave behind. If i had a cat, my parents would throw him/her away if i died since the whole family except me hates cats. Its like I really wouldnt mind when I die anymore, and the thing thats keeping me alive is watching cat videos and wishing I had one and watching butai and concerts with the hope, I could go see them one day. Its not my parents keeping me alive by providing food on the table, place to live or clothes to wear. Its them. I couldnt care less about what they provide. I have literally given up on my life.
I am happy you were able to tell me about your life. It might be pointless since the words are coming from me, but please stay strong!

Date: 2016-06-01 05:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ireallylovenews.livejournal.com
ohh, hope you feel better...
you have such a pretty name Aiyesha, you have the same name as my baby niece but only spelled as Ayisha..ü

I get frequent migraines too, i used to get migraines 2-3 times a week and always take meds... i figured out that i just needed to take lots of water, eat something healthy at least once a day.. and make time to do exercise at least 1-2 times and if i can 3 times a week.. i am lazy too so most of the times i just want to lay down and do nothing.. what motivates me is listening to NEWS while exercising, that way im having fun and singing along.. ü

hope your parents notice what you're going through and understand what being a family is, i think the best way to feel close to your family is take a vacation, leave work and school for a moment and focus on being happy together and being open to all issues..

good luck!

Date: 2016-06-02 07:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] reikokagami.livejournal.com
Hahaha , thank you~

Well since my exams are not that close yet, I dont really use my brain much since i am stupid xD!!
And I do go for boxing and exercising once in a while, I am lazy too..to be honest..
And its hard to go for vacation since my father is very busy and I doubt they would understand me AHAHHAHAHA!!!
Well I am free most of the time except exam days but my elder and younger brother... well ahaha and there are some issues which makes this family unpeaceful !!
Well, thanks for replying and telling me what you think... It made me happy~ <3
Thanks again~


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