Ranting

May. 23rd, 2016 12:29 pm
reikokagami: (Default)
[personal profile] reikokagami

Ok, I think this is it! I myself feel i have reached my limit.
Well to begin with, I am having a cold, not sure if i have reached the fever limit yet. I have not consulted my family with anything and to my parents I seem like "too much sleeping" or "too lazy" or "never studying and only with japanese stuff". Well in a way they might be right, I dont blame them since I am in my bed all day, and they usually see me sleeping which is around 6-8 pm because thats when all the energy is drained from my body and i feel tired. But with this behavior, I annoy my parents and bring a bad impression of myself upon them, which is not at all false. But somehow it feels like, we are not a family. Its like we are just people living in the same house. Right now, no one is trying to understand each other anymore. I am having exams right now, and yes I do study in my own way, however my parents dont see that. They only see me lazing around.
Lately I have been getting Migraines too and also insomnia. Its really hard for me to sleep and my health is getting worse. I have been extremely emotional these days. I feel lonely quite often and when a friend ends up replying to my message I feel extremely sorry for them. I end up crying, as i feel that they have forced themselves to message me. Well I also cry due to happiness as they do reply at the very least. I also feel extremely sorry for being rude and saying weird things to them, and i wouldnt be surprised if they decide to ignore me. I am very concious as to the type of person I am, and even if I try changing myself to match the other person, I eventually return to being myself and make the other person pull away from me. Well apparently stress have taken over me and I have been trying hard to act myself at home. Like the Aiyesha my family knows, the cheerful noisy one who blabbers nonsense alot. I have been acting cheerful to my parents and tried behaving like myself, when last night, my father lectured me saying, what would people think if they here my nonsense and all. I am not a five year old. If I was five, maybe people would find it cute but I am not and I will just end up embarrasing them, and yes I am aware of that very well. But I have been trying hard to remain happy and this is the most I can do to keep me cheerful. To be honest, I thought, just maybe my mother would understand how I feel, even a little bit. But just a little while ago, I went to my mother to talk to her as i was feeling very congested and I ended up blabbering some nonsense, when she said it. She was like, I wont tolerate you speaking non-sense anymore. I want you to be proper. And things of that sort. In the end, she just wants herself to look proper in front of my father. She wants to show him she brought me up to be a proper girl. If not she would be replaced by someone else. Unfortunately i am not an obedient person. I am at my limit now. I dont really think i could turn out properly anymore. I have been picking fights alot and the only thing that brings me to peace is cats and butai or johnnys. I think i will fully refrain from talking to a friend or teacher or a family member. The only way I can be a proper person now, is remaining quiet and not telling anyone how I feel, pretending to be obedient. Maybe I should have done that from the beginning.
I will stop getting into a friendly conversation with my family from now on! This is it! This is my limit (╥_╥)
To those who took the time to read this, Thank you! I am sorry to spoil your day, by reading my depressing posts.
To all my friends out there! Thank you very much for being my friend! ۶⁼³₌₃(づ-̩̩̩-̩̩̩_-̩̩̩-̩̩̩)づ
I will be going now! Bye!





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Reiko

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